Would You Like Fries With That?

Whatever else can be said of my grad school education up to this point, studying the phenomenology of hermeneutics is paying off. Unwanted male attention? Just drop that verbal stinkbomb and watch how fast you will be enjoying your solitude.

So, what are you in school for?

I'm currently struggling with phenomenological hermeneutics.

It will clear him out faster than telling him you have a highly contagious disease.

Granted, he probably thought that you did tell him you have a highly contagious disease.

(And if he understood you, than maybe you should be the one clearing out.)


Beyond determining that it is not, in fact, contagious (although whether it is a disease is still up for debate), all of my studies of this illusive theory have left me with two unfortunate, incontrovertible facts: you cannot eat it, and you cannot use it as an alternate source of fuel.

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/well-ive-decided-to-major-in-philosophy.jpeg

So maybe I don't have money, but I have a very particular set of skills. And these skills, as relatives have been telling me at holiday parties for years now, have prepared me well for the successful professional career on which I am currently embarking.



Beyond good and evil lies the world of the waitress...


Most of the kitchen workers only speak Spanish - I just smile and nod and try to interpret their eyebrows. And lift a silent prayer that they are not saying anything important.

In a way, this situation is preferable to the times I can understand them:

"You have boyfriends?"

"Sorry...uh, no comprende."

"Ah...lots of kids? Six, maybe?

Well that escalated quickly. "Sick? No, not sick. A little tired."

"You live near? I have empty room. Close to work. Walk to work. Very nice. No more you be tired."


Are you proposing that I move in with my 6 children? "I just need a break, probably."


"But you no work yesterday? Maybe mañana?"

Well, this seemed relatively harmless. "Estudio...um, I am a student."

"Oh! University? Where university?"

"Catolica. Catholic University."

Horror registered on his face, and amidst the rain of his profuse apologies it slowly dawned on me. He thought I was in a seminary!

Flirtation effectively truncated.
 

If only miscommunication could be attributed solely to language barriers.
*Warning: the following includes strong language of pretension. I was provoked.


 "So, you're in school for English, huh? I thought about doing that but it kind of seemed like a waste of time. No trouble there - I've got it down pretty solid."

Funny, you seem to have some trouble with conversation skills. Also adverbs.

"I've read pretty much everything. You must be a pretty big reader too, I guess. What are you reading these days?"

"I just finished Daniel Deronda by George Eliot..."

"Yeah, I've read most of his books."

Have you really? Please, do tell me all about him.

"What else? Give me something good."

"Well, I'm also taking a class on Ulysses by James Joyce, so I've been re-reading the Inferno..."


"You know, I didn't think that was as good as that guy's other ones."

I apologize for writing you off, sir. I object to your casual attitude toward Dante, but I approve your assessment.

"I agree...I mean, who wants to stop in Hell? The Paradiso is definitely superior."

"I haven't heard of that one. I was thinking more Angels & Demons. But my favorite is definitely The DaVinci Code."

Apology retracted.


In the interest of making friends, I generally try to repress my nerd when I am in a new social environment. I have varying degrees of success.

"Man, I am so exhausted. I should not have gone out after work last night. Definitely should not have dropped all my cash at that bar."

Be cool, Em. Be cool.

"Yeah, I made the mistake of going into a book store with my tips from this weekend. So long savings. And groceries. And gas."

Oof. Not cool.

After an awkward pause..."Yeahhh. More of a movie guy myself."


Successful suppression of excitement over upcoming Moby Dick movie. Thanks to H.O. for letting me know that that is not even remotely cool. Instead...

"I don't have a lot of time to watch movies. Pretty much study and work constantly."

Not very cool. But at least true.

"Dude, I don't know how you do that. When I was in school I was popping Adderall constantly. Have you ever experimented?"

I dug for something to maintain my street cred...

"Well, there was this one time I ate an entire package of chocolate-covered espresso beans..."

And that was not it.


 Still, if I'm a weirdo in the service industry, I'm not alone.

One of my coworkers happened to mention in conversation that he didn't like chocolate chip cookies.

"You are such an unnatural person! Do you also hate fuzzy kittens?"

"No, I actually love kittens. Like, seriously love. Like, tattooed all over my body, love kittens."

I thought he was speaking in hyperbole.

Until he pulled up his shirt.

Turns out, he did, in fact, have kittens tattooed all over his body.


Apparently there are stranger things than not liking chocolate chip cookies.