Not Just Another Father's Day Post (Mostly Because It's No Longer Father's Day)

This generation is obsessed with lists. Everyday there is a new buzz feed list/article trending on Facebook, like, "20 things you'll recognize if you grew up in the 90s."

And I scroll through the list and I click through each picture and I think,

Yup, recognize that. Oh yeah, recognize that too.

And at the end of it all I feel an overwhelming and completely unjustified sense of accomplishment.

Did I really need affirmation that I grew up in the 90s? It's like taking a test to see if you actually like your favorite kind of food.

But regardless of how silly they may be, lists are trending, and I'm hip, so...

Here is my list, my father's list really, in honor of him on father's day (or in my punctual spirit, three days afterward). It's pretty much the ultimate life hack list, but back before we felt the need to hack life and were content to just live it.

1. Learn to drive stick. Besides the fact that you will be really cool, you should always have a way to leave a situation. Jason Bourne also learned this from my father.

"Sure you can get a Wrangler. If you learn to drive stick. No daughter of mine is going to drive an automatic Jeep."

My experience with Wranglers at the time of this conversation was limited to the pink Barbie PowerWheels, but even at 6 I knew I wanted one (as long as they came in other colors). It was news to me that you needed any knowledge beyond pushing an on/off switch, but whatever the mysterious terms "manual transmission" signified, I was going to learn how to use it.

Fast forward to sophomore year in college. Taking a left across 3 lanes of traffic in my first lesson was not the way I anticipated learning. I turned on my right blinker.

"What are you doing? We're going left."

I calmly explained, "I don't feel comfortable taking a left. I'm afraid of stalling and getting hit. We can try in the next lesson."

My friend leaned over and switched the blinker. "If we take a right, I will be late for class. And if we get hit, it will be on the driver's side." Well I'm glad you have your priorities straight.

I stalled.

But I survived to tell the tale. And when every once in awhile I rest my hand on the gear shift and pretend I'm cool enough to drive a manual, I remember. "Oh wait. I AM that cool."

2. Read. You will always have something interesting to say. Reading broadens your perspectives, improves your attention span and makes you an interesting conversationalist.

Reading also improves your vocabulary. Make sure, however, that you double check how to pronounce these new words before you try to use them. Take the advice of someone who never paid attention in Phonics and then thought it was a good idea to use words she had read but never heard spoken. A Philly accent can only cover so many of those mistakes.

Only last week my statement about surviving summer camp with "aplomb" (which I pronounced "a-plume") met first a blank reaction, and then...

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was confused. Are we talking about feathers?"

3. Learn how to tell a good story.

My father is a master story teller. Every inflection is perfectly rehearsed, every punch line delivered with excellent timing. Every part can be timed to the second, even the point when he turns to you and says, "Stop me if I've told this one."

But of course you never would, because they are that good.

4. When you can, drive there.

And if there are any presidential birthplaces on the way, stop (Eastern seaboard? Seen 'em all).

5. Always fill your tank up all the way and change your oil (regularly).

You will save a lot of time and money. If you want to go places in life, take care of your vehicle. Don't play that game where you put in 10 gallons here, 5 gallons there. Ain't nobody got time for that (Also, if you're waiting to get to that station priced at $3.50 a gallon instead of $3.59, recall that you are saving $.09 a gallon, factor out the gas you spend to get to the cheaper station, slap yourself in the face, and fill up your tank).

6. Country music is cool.

I may not have realized it at the time, but in retrospect I appreciated the character building of having my father blast Hal Ketchum with the windows down in Center City Philadelphia.

I apologize for hiding in the seat well, Dad. I was so young and ignorant.

7. If you spend money on a night out, you can afford to tip well.

Also, don't order salad and fill up on bread while you drink water and stare hungrily at your date. Trust me, she'd rather go to Taco Bell than watch your cheeks slowly hollow as she drinks and dines on your dime.

8. Get dessert.

Enough said.

9. Remember birthdays and anniversaries.

With the advent of social media, it's become pretty easy to remember important dates in people's lives, but a Happy Birthday doesn't have the same effect when it has been reduced to a red notification flag on a Facebook wall. And if your post wasn't the most recent, it doesn't even say your name. Just something like, "Suzy Soandso and 3 other people posted on your wall."

Is that really where you want to be lumped? In those 3 other people, with Suzy getting all the credit?

In the barren years before iCalendar and Facebook, my father used to give each of us a wall calendar for Christmas. And in Bro's Sports Illustrated calendar, B's Impressionists, M's Norman Rockwell, and my Defining Events of US Military History, he would write all of our relatives' birthdays and anniversaries. And a few others that were practically family. Like Ronald Reagan and Babe Ruth.

10. Call your mother.

She put up with you for a long time. And she loves you (Even if it's because she has to. My mother's exact words, if I recall rightly, were, "I love you right now because I have to. But I don't like you very much.")

Plus a girl can tell how a man will treat her down the line from the way he treats his mother. So gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt to have a pretty girl or two overhear that weekly conversation.


The 10 items comprise some of the best advice I've gotten from my father, and yet he never came out and told me I had to follow any of it. The best advice you can get from someone is the advice that they follow themselves. My dad's got it pretty locked up, if you ask me.